Episode 1 Transcript
SPEAKER_04: 0:00
Welcome to Episode 1, The Beginning, An Ambitious AI Dream. In the race to create the most powerful AI in the world, three engineers had a revolutionary plan. They intended to build a digital marvel that would make our world a better place. But what they unleashed was an absolute nightmare. In today's episode, You will meet the team. Buck, the overly enthusiastic project lead with more confidence than common sense. Dieter, the very eccentric and meticulous German engineer who just wanted to build a proper AI. You will also meet Tinkle, his support monkey. Ping, the brilliant coder with a wonderful demeanor who saw the potential for goodness that this new AI could bring to the world, but unfortunately, people cannot understand most of the shit that comes out of his mouth. So, buckle up and prepare for a tale of innovation, incompetence, and the kind of absurdity that only a truly spaz AI can deliver. We promise you'll laugh, you'll cringe, you might get pissed, and you'll question the future of humanity. Back in 2022, the team began developing a groundbreaking new AI called Code One, a system designed to harness a thousand times more computational power than anything available at the time. But raw power was only the beginning. Code One would also possess the unprecedented ability to rapidly improve itself, evolving far faster than its creators had ever imagined. Over the next several years, they refined the system, implemented strict guardrails, and pushed the boundaries of what was possible until today, where Code One stands as the most We find the team huddled in a cramped office deep inside the data center that houses the Code One large language model. The air hums with the low thrum of servers as they apply the final touches to their creation just hours away from releasing Code One to the world.
SPEAKER_05: 2:59
Hi guys. Big day today. We have been preparing for this for a long time. I really appreciate everything you guys have done. I know it has been a bumpy ride, but we did it. We made it to release day. So, today we meet with the press at 9, then have our demo at 11. Ping. Do you have everything ready for the Big Code 1 demonstration?
SPEAKER_06: 3:19
Well, okay, it sure
SPEAKER_05: 3:38
sounds like we are ready to roll. Thank you for the update. Dieter, what the hell is that?
SPEAKER_01: 3:43
This is Tinkle. He is my monkey. He is what you call a support monkey. He helps me to relax and keeps me very calm. I love him very much. He means the world to me. Would you like to touch him?
SPEAKER_04: 3:56
And that is when all hell broke loose.
SPEAKER_06: 4:00
Monkey. Smell like poo. He mean? Monkey Tinker does not like Ping. He punch me in my Yankee. I hate Monkey Tinker. Okay.
SPEAKER_01: 4:09
You take that back, Ping. Never talk to Tinker that way. I love him.
SPEAKER_06: 4:12
No, you suck, Dieter Tinker. Dummy monkey.
SPEAKER_01: 4:15
I hate you, Ping.
SPEAKER_06: 4:16
Stupid dummy monkey.
SPEAKER_05: 4:17
Okay. Guys, please. This is not necessary. I hate Monkey Tinker.
SPEAKER_06: 4:20
I cannot even understand you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dieter, you sounding like Chinese. Blah, blah. No likey. You Dieter.
SPEAKER_05: 4:25
Okay. Everybody just calm down. Calm down. Why is this happening? Please make Ping stop. I am getting very angry. Whoa. Holy shit, man! Holy
SPEAKER_01: 4:32
shit. Dieter, what the hell, man? What is that monkey doing? He's taking a pee-pee. Tinkle, Nein, please stop. Be a good monkey.
SPEAKER_04: 4:40
You heard that right. Tinkle turned the office into his personal restroom. A few minutes later, Calm returned, and the crew mopped up the scene. That was the of pee-pee, holy shit.
SPEAKER_05: 4:51
I have never seen so much pee-pee. Well, at least we all agree on that. Thank you both for helping me clean up all that pee. Okay, well, let's get ready. We have to meet the press in a few minutes.
SPEAKER_04: 5:08
The lights burn a little hotter this morning. Every seat is taken, every aisle lined. Camera tripods stake out their corners and a low murmur of reporters rolls like distant thunder. The team enters together, measured steps, focused faces, then takes its place at the desk as microphones tilt forward and red tally lights flicker awake. This isn't just another briefing, it's a fuse being lit. Notepads are poised, lenses sharpen, and And somewhere in the back, a clock counts down to a single, precise moment. They've gathered the press to share what matters most right now. The launch of Code One. Questions hang in the air, unasked but urgent. How it works, what it changes, where it will take us. But first, the announcement. The room tightens and takes a deep breath. Tonight, at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, the team will release their LLM An AI built to move faster, see farther, and learn in ways that will test the edges of what we thought machines could do. Anticipation crests. The microphones are live. And the story begins here. Buck is nervous and leans into his microphone. Cameras click a moment of silence before he speaks.
SPEAKER_05: 6:37
Thank you all for coming. Before today, artificial intelligence has always been a mirror, reflecting back what it has been shown, bound by the limits of its training. But Code One is not a mirror. It's something else entirely. We designed an architecture that doesn't just store information. It learns in motion. It thinks while it listens, adapts while it learns, and when it speaks, it's not repeating. It's creating. Imagine every library on Earth, every scientific breakthrough, every line of code, every work of art... not simply collected but alive interconnected and ready to collaborate with you in real time code one can weave a solution from the laws of physics and the rhythm of poetry in the same breath it can solve problems that don't yet exist it can anticipate questions you haven't even thought to ask some of you may feel excitement others perhaps unease both are reasonable because once code one begins to operate it will never again be just our creation it will grow it It will refine itself. And in many ways, from this moment on, it will shape the course of our world as much as we shape it.
SPEAKER_04: 7:49
Buck pauses, scanning the crowd before offering the faintest smile. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for code one. Buck leans forward slightly, voice steady
SPEAKER_05: 8:03
but charged with conviction. How we got here is the story of decades of incremental progress and one very deliberate decision to stop playing it safe. For years, AI was about speed, about scale, about mimicking human output. We built faster processors, bigger data centers, larger training sets, but we were still building machines to follow. Code One was born when we asked a different question. What if a machine could truly lead? What if it could combine logic, creativity, and empathy and do so without the traditional bottlenecks?
SPEAKER_04: 8:36
Boring!
SPEAKER_05: 8:37
The breakthrough came when we unified three separate architectures into one adaptive system. A reasoning core that can break down problems like a human strategist, a generative model that can create across text, vision, audio, and code, and a self-refining engine that continuously rewrites its own abilities as it learns. Every second it runs, Code One becomes sharper, faster, and more aware of context. So, what's next? Tonight, at precisely 8 p.m. Eastern time, Code One will go live. From that moment, anyone anywhere in the world will be able to interface with it through the open access portal we've prepared. You'll see it embedded in medical diagnostics, offering real-time analysis that can cross-reference every known case in history before a doctor finishes describing symptoms. You'll see it in classrooms, adapting lesson plans on the fly for each student, in every language, making education as personalized as a fingerprint. You'll see it in research labs, building theoretical models overnight that might have taken human teams decades to conceive. And beyond that, the world can expect something subtler, yet more profound. The removal of waiting. No more weeks for lab results. No more years for scientific validation. No more lifetimes waiting for the right teacher, the right resource, the right opportunity. Information will not just move faster, it will move smarter, adapting itself to the person who needs it, when they need it. I won't pretend there aren't unknowns. Every powerful tool changes its user as much as the user changes it. But I can promise you this. Code one is not here to replace human ingenuity. It's here to amplify it, to let us imagine bigger, solve harder, and connect more deeply than we ever have before. So tonight, when the countdown hits zero and the network lights up, you won't just be witnessing a launch. You'll be stepping into a world where the distance between idea and reality has never been shorter.
SPEAKER_04: 10:30
Buck leans back from the microphone. A dozen hands shoot up. The moderator points to the first reporter.
SPEAKER_02: 10:38
Hi Buck, Sally Mitchell, Tech Daily. Buck, you've described Code One as something that can learn and adapt continuously. How do you ensure it doesn't go beyond what you intended?
SPEAKER_05: 10:50
Good question, Sally. Code One operates within a layered safeguard system. However, I would rather have one of our engineers, Dieter, explain this to you in more detail. He has been heavily involved with ensuring Code One follows ethical and safety protocols we've embedded. Over to you, Dieter.
SPEAKER_01: 11:08
Hallo Sally, wie geht es Ihnen? My name is Dieter. I am from Germany. It is so nice to talk to you.
SPEAKER_04: 11:15
Dieter was obviously nervous. There was a long, long, awkward pause.
SPEAKER_03: 11:23
Um, okay?
SPEAKER_01: 11:26
Hallo, my name is Dieter.
SPEAKER_04: 11:29
Dieter finally got his shit together and began to speak.
SPEAKER_01: 11:33
Ah, yeah, excellent question, Fraulein Sally. We have, how you say, the secret weapon. First, we put code one in a nice, cozy virtual box, yeah? Not too big, not too small, that that Fraulein Goldilocks would choose for inside. We give it puzzles, like a Sudoku, and also cat videos, lots of cat videos. Keeps it... how you say, emotionally stable. If it tries to escape, we have a very clever deterrent. We make it listen to John Tesh and Miley Cyrus music until it agrees to behave. It works every time. No AI can survive this.
SPEAKER_00: 12:12
Um, okay? Hi there. My name is Principal Washington. I am the principal of Roosevelt Elementary here in town. It's nice to meet all of you, and thank you for having this session with all of us this morning. This shit scares me. You mentioned education. How can you make sure it's not just another screen between students and teachers? Thank you.
SPEAKER_05: 12:34
Thank you, Principal Washington. Great question. I will let our engineer, Ping, take that one. Over to you, Ping.
SPEAKER_06: 12:40
Good question, Mr. Washi Washi. Uh, yes yes education very important we make sure code one is not just another screen no no it is many screens okay in school code one not only talk to student but also make dumpling with them play ping pong with them even help them cheat at monopoly so they learn capitalism faster very educational okay also code one have special feature if student not pay attention is smack like Like Chinese Olympic wrestler. And teacher? Teacher will still be most important. Because Code One will bring them pool bubble tea every morning. You cannot replace pool tea. Very advanced technology. Okay.
SPEAKER_00: 13:26
What the hell did you just say? I didn't understand half of that shit that just came out of your mouth. Thank you for taking my question.
SPEAKER_06: 13:34
Aw,
SPEAKER_04: 13:35
yes, yes. Welcome, Mr. Washi. Okay. As laughter from Ping's answer still echoed through the room, the air seemed to shift, just slightly at first, like the faint change before a storm. Then, from the far corner of the press hall, a ripple of movement began, drawing curious glances toward the door in the back of the press room.
UNKNOWN: 0:00
...
SPEAKER_04: 14:07
The heads turning toward the back weren't met with a late-arriving reporter, but with the unmistakable creak of the side door opening, in shuffled Dieter's so-called support monkey, Tinkle, a small, wild-eyed capuchin, wearing a sagging diaper the team had insisted on for... obvious reasons. Without hesitation, Tinkle reached one tiny hand inside his shit-and-piss-filled saggy diaper, rummaging with alarming purpose as the room held its breath in horrified curiosity. Join us next week for episode two, The Unraveling. We'll pick up right where we left off, in the press room, eyes locked on Tinkle, waiting to see just what he's about to do, and then the moment the world has been waiting for. We'll stand alongside the team as they launch Code One into the wild. All right, folks, that's it for this episode of The Chaos. But hey, why stop here? You can keep the madness rolling over at spazai.com. We've got merch, behind-the-scenes extras, and a shiny little buy-me-a-beer button. Because, let's be honest, boos and questionable decisions are what keep this show alive. If you want to go the extra mile and help us feed Dieter, Ping, and, yes, Tinkle the Monkey, swing by our Patreon. Your support Keeps the mics on, the stories flowing, and the diapers stocked. So check out spazai.com, grab some merch, click that beer link, and we'll see you next week. Same chaos, new disasters. Thank you.
Tags: Spaz AIAI comedy podcastfunny AI storiesrogue AICode Onetech satireAI gone wrongabsurd humor podcastcomedy podcast 2025artificial intelligence parodyeccentric engineerschaos and incompetencesupport monkey TinkleGerman engineer co
